She was talking at one point saying about surrounding yourself with people who meld with your spirit circle (or something along those lines) To which I asked, what if there is someone in your life who doesn't fit? And she replied she would distance herself from them best she could... To which I sighed a bit heavy sigh...
Then when I was talking more later asking her some things. I explained I feel lost, like I'm not doing what I'm supposed to in my life. She related a lot of that to my role as a mother and how big of a effect it has on life. She also said I need to look into myself to find the right way and slowly make changes in the right direction. Unfortunately, I know what she means. I didn't come right out and say it and neither did she. I'm guessing she knew what I was referring to though. I just wished I could have talked to her more and about more personal stuff. I could barely look her in the eye when speaking to her. It was like I wanted to know things, but yet I didn't. I would almost have to force myself to look her in the eye the little I did.
She was talking about a mother figure around me, but the lady was not blood related and someone who passed away when I was little so I wouldn't know her. But she was my protector person. Some woman with an E at the beginning of her name who was friends with my parents/mother. No clue who she is talking about here. She said to ask my mother if there was a neighbor or someone who had passed away when I was younger.
We talked some about my kids. How I had no connection with my daughter when she was born. She said that's because she's so much like me and we would feud a lot. And she will try my patience, but we will one day become great friends. I explained how with Oli it was different and I felt connected in the beginning. She warned me not to be discouraged when he talks late, it's just his big sister talking for him.
She said Carla will come around and that I won't be scared of it now that I'm aware. That more than likely Oli will talk to her when she does come around.
The more I think about everything the more confused I am. Not with the kids, those are things I already knew. Mostly with the stuff to do with feeling lost. I just feel like I'm not a whole person. But to change, means I need to change my whole life and what I know about my life essentially. I feel like such a black sheep in most of m life. When she talks with being with the same spirit circle in your lives, that's the part I don't get. At least not with my family. I get it with Oli, with certain people in the SCA and very very very few family members. Majority of family are wonderful and great people, but I just do not feel any connection with them. I feel like I am in the wrong spirit circle or something. I just feel out of whack in life. Almost nothing feels right. The only stuff that feels right for sure is the SCA and Oli.
