he's tired

I slept with Josie in her bed last night. Curt had the big bed with Oli in the pack and play in the same room. Oli woke 2 times, which is average since starting to get teeth in.

We all got up about 7 or 8 am. Curt made himself breakfast while i watched the kids then got in the shower as I'm trying to make me and josie breakfast. I got josie a bagel and started my breakfast sandwich while getting oli's cereal and fruit ready. Curt gets done and I get him to feed Oli while i eat. After done feeding he realized oli exploded on his pants and was leaking - fun stuff!

So curt's changing him, being a little rough. Oli starts screaming and i tell curt to calm down. Oli trys to flip nowadays when being changed making it very hard. Curts all pissed and keeps snapping at josie. Again I tell him to calm down. He finishes wiping stuff and throws the diaper into the overstuffed trash. The diaper then falls on the floor. So curt stands and looks at it and finally picks it up and flings it into the overstuffed trash again, leaving poo on the floor...

He then goes back to the back room without saying a word or even looking at any of us (i assumed getting changed from the pooed on pants.)

Josie goes back to show him something and tells me he's sleeping. So I go back and remind him it's my one day off a week and i need time to fix my resume and get on the computer. I'm ignored. I try talking again. Again I'm ignored. I beg, plead...still ignored. I lay down next to him and ask what's wrong. He starts crying that he's tired and never gets any sleep. He says sleeping in the couch, then up with oli... So I try to come up with a solution. I say as long as he keeps toys picked up from in front of the couch i'll sleep there. But either the whole house needs to go to bed at 7:30, or i'd have to get woken whenever he decides to go to bed. I guess it wasn't good enough because he starts whining that he's tired. So I say nevermind I won't try to help. I remind him again i need to get on the computer to do work and leave the room. He's been back there for over 2 hours now sleeping.

Just annoying that i'm working over 40 hours and 6 days a week, then taking care of kids when i'm home. And I too get woken and have to take care of oli at night. But he's the one who get no sleep. I need to work on my resume and apply for jobs so i can get more money for less hours, and hopefully insurance...but no, he won;t give me time to do that.

that would be illegal

deferment form for my student loan. DH found it, and asked me to fill it out. I said i needed to be given time with no kids to fill it out. He never gave me time then tonight filled it out and tossed the papers at me (literally when I was cutting a coupon) and told me to sign it. I told him I'd read it then sign it. He huffed and puffed.

I read it and had to fix incorrect number and hard to read numbers. He then included 2 weeks worth of monthly income documentation and I showed him we need to include a month worth. He said no that he was right and he'd send in the documents to prove me wrong. I finally said whatever, do whatever you want. He took back to documents, forged my signature and put them in an envelope.

I told him he can't forge me signature. He said why not, I forge his all the time (to deposit his checks he didn't sign into our joint bank account). True I shouldn't do that. But he didn't tell me no and he knows I do it instead of waking him from sleeping when I'm leaving.

I'm pissy. I've had a bad day, kids have been bad, work was long, with a 10 min rushed break and i never had a bite to eat until 12:30 today (remember i wake at 2am for work!). I'm just in a horrible mood and don;t know if I'm just being bitchy or if he really is being an ass.

True the forms needed done and now they're done. I just hate how he went about it.

who's fault...grrr

So my parents will defend my husband and his actions (well the actions that they know of - which isn't much)

My husbands mother tell him I'm a nag and that I have a habit of putting people down.

I'm so tired of everyone butting in when they know nothing about us. Both sets of parents don;t know a damn thing really. My parents would want me to leave. His mother has wanted to leave FIL for years and years and years and stays. But yet blames me when her son acts the same way her own husband acts... Then again, as a mother, I guess I can't really be surprised for not blaming her own son (her only son).

I am a nag, as is Josie, because we have to repeat ourselves literally 5 times to get him to hear, then process, then actually do something, if he actually does it. I'm not saying that to be mean. It's true. One is probably the severe ADD he has, and the rest...who knows. I'm sure it does sound like nagging. But damnit, why should I do everything? Seriously, why when we are at his parents place am I supposed to take care of both kids while he sit there and watches tv and has his mother wait on him? Seriously, that fucked up.

And habit of putting people down...maybe she should hear her own son sometimes.

I'm so fucking tired of everything being my fault! Everyone just blames me. Everything with me and dh, my fault. He says so, my parents and his say so.

At work the other assistant manager HATES me. I felt like I was in high school today with her whispering about me (they weren't too quiet) to the other worker on the shift. Seriously?! She's like 50 years old and she's got nothing better to do that that? OMG! Grow up. I work constantly from the start until the end of my shift. I work 6 days a week 8-9 (or more) hours per day. I put in more work weekly than any other person there (including the owners!). I'm so tired of this petty shit. All because one day (before she was ass manager and I was), I asked if she could sweep an area. I was doing something else, she was talking. She looked me up and down and said, with major attitude, that she does not need direction and she stays busy and walked away. And she's buddy buddy with all the workers so if I were to retaliate or being it to the owners awareness (if they believed me) then I'd have to deal with workers not listening and all kinds of shit.

new work changes

-One of the other assistant managers was let go
-we now are required to have black pants by feb 1st (of which i don;t have and need to find money to buy :( )
-we are now required to have black shoes by march 1st (of which i don;t have and need to find money as well)
-also now only brown or black shirts can be worn under our short sleeved work shirts
-my hours changed again - still working like 48 hours with no overtime pay

the clothes are a bit upsetting - i hate spending money on work when the pay is so low. we had different requirements when hired in. I was supposed to get black pants and tennis shoes this holiday, however the person never ended up sending them (along with a bunch else she had signed up to send). But I shouldn't have been looking at what people were going to send. They were doing it out of the kindness of their hearts and I was banking on those things coming. I even took them off my christmas list to make room for other priorities. Bad idea to do that.

hopefully i can find something at either goodwill or salvation army. my foot has hurt me since christmas so i need better shoes. I do have some gel inserts i goot that i'm putting in whatever i find though.

I dunno, i think he's right

I have just hatred in me.

I've hated every job I ever had, I hate him, I hate the house, i hate the town i live in he even says I hate me son (that one I don;t agree with!). The others, yup, pretty much.

I sit down and am feeding my son when i walk in the house. was at work then called to let him know i'd be late because i had to stop by the library then staples. I had a bunch of ellison punches to do then copies at staples. Both places were unusually busy and traffic was horrid. I finally get home and sit down to feed the boy. I get a what took so long from him. Not a hello, how was your day...a what took so long? It sounded highly accusational and like it's only start a fight. I got out of work a little late. After I left work I pumped, then library and after I left the library I pumped. Then staples and home.

I got out of work like 20 min late. It takes 30 min each time to pump since it's been acting up. Time to drive to the library. I had to wait for the ellison machine at the library then actually do the punches - so about 1 hour. Then drive across town to staples and make copies. It takes 30 min to get home. I was home at like 3:30?

I didn't want to deal with him so i just said i got off work at 1, then he laid into me that i told him i was getting off at noon. Sigh. That's what i get for lying.

Tonight i get yelled at that I yell to much at him so he doesn't talk to me. I hate everything around me. I would rather spend time at the library and staples and then read some in my book when i got home instead of spending time with the kids (while i fed oli i was reading and he was playing Wii with Josie.).

I start to believe him and everything he's saying. How could I not. But are they true. I dunno. Is it true, or just him blaming me for everything again. Then again, what if everything is my fault? What if I'm the one to blame for all of it?

I'm so confused. I'm so unhappy and miserable. I've always blamed him for it. Maybe I need to realize it's not him, but myself.

He says the kids act fine when i'm not here and freak out when i'm around. That when i don;t go to bed at my bed time they are still hyper and then he can't put them to bed. He said they calm down when I'm not around. However, i see the total opposite thing with him. They are fine, but not around him.... Then he said maybe it's me and him together they aren't good for. I think that is probably the case.

I feel lost. I feel like i'm living in a daze, someone else's world/body/life. That this wasn't what i signed up for. kinda like I am in the wrong family, wrong life, wrong everything. Nothing feels right.

nothing safe

so the last computer crashed... but all our personal stuff was on external drives so it was fine...

how ironic then that one file of mine that I kept track of things between myself and curt is suddenly not readable?!?

so i think anything i'll double and triple post places so i might have a copy of stuff somewhere.

1. "in laws

   Posted 25 Dec 2009

   I've alwaysgotten along with the in laws, normally really good... I've just about had it with them this year.
   We went down for 2 days at thanksgiving. Curt decided since we wouldn't know my work schedule until last minute and it's easier to get back and forth to my family 1 hour away instead of his who is 2 hours away. Great.
   
   Origionally their christmas was going to be on sat 12-26, and grandma's down there with his extended family was on 12-27. Grandma decided at the last minute to change and have her's instead on 12-20. So Curt takes the kids down for 2 days and spends time with his family and grandparents and everything. Then we all go down on Tuesday and just came home Thursday night. So his mother then bitches that she's so upset because she doeesn't get to have us there for Chirstmas (with his immediate fam on 12-26). She even posts on facebook how upset she is her son had to change plans...
   
   OMG woman! We not only had been there 2 days for thanksgiving, 2 days for grandma's christmas, 3 days, plus they were here today for christmas!!! We will see my family for less than 24 hours. So she didn't get all pissy we told her I had to work sat morning so we couldn't go down there. She had the balls to say to curt that he should just come with the kids then! Dude, my family wants to see the kids too, ya know?! He said no because we'd be oing to my family on sunday and it'd be too hard on the kids traveling in the car that much. He doesn't have balls to say we're going to my extended family on sat and my immediate family on sun. I too know she'd bitch that she told us a year ago when they were having christmas so we sould be there.
   
   I don;t care if I see them for a long time.
   
   Oh yea and I guess she's pissed at us because she bought us a Wii over the summer before curt lost his job. Well he had different games on his list and questioned if he had a wii. I told her that I thought she was getting us one. I guess we were supposed to forget about it and she told me that maybe we wouldn't get it then. So when we were opening presents from them they got me nothing. They got curt things and everything else said kids on it. They didn't even have the Wii downstairs and acted like all the presents were done. Then a good 10 minutes of me playing with the kids and their toys his mom tells his dad to get it from upstairs. So he gets it and hands it to curt saying merry christmas. So who knows if it was for both of us. His sister did give my some recordable voice postcards and an ornament hand maker for oli. I'd rather the kids have the gifts anyways though.
   

2. 
   

3. interesting read

   Posted 18 Nov 2009

   I happened to stumble across this. This is my husband's blog. A little insiteful, a little interesting on his train of thought...
   
   http://nouveau-poor.blogspot.com/
   
   some things irk me a little, some a lot, some touch my heart
   
   Mind you he write well, but never has talked that well. When speaking he thinks for like 5 minutes before spitting it out. Communication is always so frustrationg and aganizing for me with him. He write good though and maybe why we seem to many times previously just have email communication.
   
   anyways

4. what i woke to this morning in my inbox

   Posted 5 Nov 2009

   "I was hoping you'd stay up a little tonight after Josie went to sleep.
   I wanted to talk to you.
   
   I just wanted to say I was sorry. Sorry for everything. Sorry I lost
   my job. Sorry I can can't find a new one. Sorry we're in this mess.
   I'm sorry I let you down. I'm sorry I let this whole family down.
   
   This whole thing just sucks so much right now and I don't know what to
   do. And the longer this goes on the more we're at each other and I
   don't like it.
   
   I know I don't say it or show it enough but I do appreciate the crazy
   stupid hours you work for next to nothing. It's just the the harder
   you have to work the worse I feel.
   
   I miss you. I really do. Yeah we were never great at spending time
   together after Josie went to bed, but at least we could. We don't get
   5 minutes alone anymore. 5 minutes to just sit near each other.
   
   I'm tired. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of looking for a job.
   I'm tired of feeling this way all the time. I'm tired of feeling like
   a total failure at everything every minute of every day.
   
   I just .. I don't know. I just wanted you know I hate myself right now
   as much as you hate me. I know it sucks and I know I'm to blame. And
   I'm trying hard not to wallow in it but it so exhausting. I just want
   it to be over. I just want this nightmare to end. I don't want to
   worry. I don't want to cancel christmas. I don't want to be this.
   
   I'm sorry. I really Am."
   
   The whole I'm tired crap is the same crap he pulled back when right before he lost his job. When every day i'd explain he still had a job and somehow he had to get through it because it was better than no job. I guess he's still tired...
   
   That is the first time he's ever taken blame for anything. Though my guess is he either saw something or knows who i'm actually meeting later today. This is his grasping at hope to keep me here. This is him trying to be nice and woo me that he'll be nice...
   
   Mind you right before this email I know he was on the verge and he'd have one of his tiraids soon. So he must have seen something or heard something.

5. He told Josie

   Posted 3 Nov 2009

   Yesterday i worked. Walked in the door and was handed kids so curt could get ont he computer. I played and had a great time with them both all day. Me and Josie had a great time together. We sang songs, i told her a nursery rhytm, did a chicken dance, danced to music, read books, colored and tons more. She was in a great mood the entire time. He finally gets done and starts dinner. It was something you leave on stove and can do over things until done. I asked if he could watch the kids so i could pee and jump on the computer quick before dinner. He said no.
   
   So i finally got on the computer anyways (well before i did pee). So I was on the computer for maybe 2 minutes and Josie comes to tell me dinner's ready. I said i'd be there in a little bit. (I was typing up a post in my blog.) I get done and go out to dinner.
   
   Josie says to me, "mommy you don;t like to spend time with me" I said WHAT?! She repeated it and informed me daddy told her that! So because i didn't jump up and run to dinner and was 2 minutes late he's now telling Josie I don;t like to spend time with her?!
   
   I told him not to do that. He informed me that I do it to him all the time... Uhm totally no. He was on the computer leaving the kids in the other room for hours by themselves. He'd gfo out to Oli and leave Josie to whatever she found. n He admitted to not spending time with her. Totally different. And I wasn't saying it to her!
   
   Later I tried to explain to Josie that no matter what others say I love to spend time with her and she should always remember that. I said do not believe them if they tell you i don;t like spending time. She replied, yeah, daddy said that. I tried hard not to actually say don;t believe daddy, but I don;t want her to not believe him for other things he might say.
   
   I just can't believe he's pinning her against me. If this is how he is when we are in the same house, I can only imagine how it'll be when we are seperated. Wonderful. I hope the kids don;t believe it all. Totally not fair to them"