divorce

So I got the papers for a divorce and for a dissolusion. I need to wade through them and figure out which one, guessing divorce cause i doubt he'll agree to everything. I need to fill it out and file it. There is another paper to file for less money due to low income, that helps. I just want it done with. The more I'm apart the more I want my life to be mine and not to be attached to him.

I want my name
I want my life
I want my freedom
I want the right to make my choices

I can't have anything until the divorce is final. Not really anyways.

I want it done.

I don't want to be with him as a wife ever. The more I'm apart, the more this is solidified. The more I know this the more I want to be done already.

Me

Wow has been a while since I posted. I need to come back for a more detailed update.

Right now though worked out a bunch so far today. I think i'll do some Yoga before bed. Though I've discovered since having my second child working out doing jumping or running type things are not my friend... Lovely. See what kids does to your body. Growl.

I am feeling wonderful and planning my day for tomorrow. I am going to look up when the UU church in town meets and go down there for a bit. I think I'll also get out for free lunch at the other church in town.

I have an idea for a painting in the bedroom too! A lightning picture with blacks, blue's and purple's - oooh exciting stuff. Even more exciting that I'm now allowed to hang things above my bed. I figured the lightning fits in the bedroom since that's where one could get an orgasm and well lightning chould be symbolic of that... Yeah orgasm would be nice.

My walls are bare and are screaming at me to put stuff on them. I'm happily thinking up what to put places, and rescuing my paintings from the house.

His depression

So you know my history with DH.

Recently he's been on depression meds - like for a few weeks now.

We just had a talk last night. I brought up not being happy and wanting to leave. I brought up my frustrations. I brought up examples of things that happened in the past. I explained how it's getting more frequent. I told him I feel trapped, like I can't live my life.

He blames depression, he blames add. This time he didn't blame me, which I was surprised. He said he wants me to be happy. He said he doesn't want me to leave.

I said I want to leave. Seperate. It would give him time to work on himself and me time to work on myself. He said that wouldn't be a good idea right now and gave me a look. I knew it ment him doing something to himself due to depression. He admitted he thinks about killing himself alot. Whenever he's alone, and that would be all he would think of with us gone. He knows he'd do something.

I feel so trapped and told him that. I feel like I can't leave and if I do he'll kill himself and it'll be my fault. I can't live with myself if that happens or face my children. I don;t want them to be without a father.

He told me the reason he decided to get himself on meds. It was Oli. He realized he was not being a good parent. He realized he was not even taking care of Oli's basic needs. He said it's so hard for him to take care of the kids. Instead of making Oli breakfast, dh'd just give him a bagel or bread to feed himself with. One day when he was too busy working out on Wii Oli got into Pine Sol, was trying to eat a penny, ate dog food and woke josie up. All in one day! He also told me he waited until after Oli's done eating breakfast to change him. Meaning his diaper as well. He did say poopy he does change. I questioned if that was why Oli will sometime have a red butt from having pee against his skin for too long.

My total gut is screaming get out now before this gets worse. It screams this might be real, but he's using it too keep you here. I know others say it's not my fault or responsibility with his depression. It is his. And I know they say it's not others fault when a person kills themselves, but I could never believe that.

He needs help more than a family dr can give him. Just writting meds isn't all he needs.

I wonder if I should alert his mother. If it were my son in the same situation, i'd want to know so I could help.

On one hand I have a responsibility to keep my children safe. Being here I feel i'm not doing that. Leaveing them in his care, I don;t feel I'm doing that. but yet, what am I supposed to do? Leave and maybe have him killing himself on my conscience? I feel more trapped now than ever before.

I meant to also add yeasterday

I hate chat roullette. DH discovered it, so I can only imagine what he's been doing with it.

thinking of me

I went to my group meeting last night. I actually talked! I never talk. I normally just listen. Not many women there and 2 out of the 4 others there were in similar situations. It felt great to talk. I need to do it more.

After group they had some free stuff again. I got a shirt for Josie and they had free Panera bread as well. I got a bag of sliced bread and some bagels (3). I picked out 3 yummy ones that I knew I would like.

I got home and the thought occured to me I better hide them or they'll be gone. But I got sliced bread too so I figured I'd be left one at least...

I get home from work and all are gone. He didn't even think of me. I was the one who got the stuff and none is saved for me. So many times he'd bring home food from work and I'd always made sure all of us in the family got a share of it, no matter what it was. I hate he doesn't do the same thing.

The meeting was geared around recognizing verbal/emotional abuse. He does almost every one of them. They said I'd know when I've had enough and am ready to leave and they'd be there to help me through it. I keep thinking I know I should go, he's given me so many reasons so many times, but I stay. I don;t know if I trust myself to ever go.

I push myself to go each week even though I loose sleep to go. I know I'd give up totally if I stopped going. It would be too easy just to not go, then not go again.

He's been trying to be nice lately and I've been not too receptive. The physical things I've pushed away. The talking I've welcomed. He was sitting in the same room and asked me how my day was. I started to talk about my day at work. I ended one sentence and instead of him paying attention that I wasn't done talking he stands up and as he's walking out to the kitchen say's he's going to make dinner. This keeps happening. I don;t think he's really listening, more of biding his time to get away from me at the first chance he gets. I stop talking to breath and he leaves the room. I say I wasn't done and he gets all huffy. I just didn't continue today. I'm so tired of trying when it just appears he's not really thinking of me, he's not really paying attention to me. He's just trying to make it seem like he is.

you don't understand

You don't understand, you don't get it.

We go out for a nice night and you're all touchy. We have sex. I allow it, it feels nice to be noticed, nice to be touched. But yet, this just seems to make you believe it's ok. Makes you believe we are better, good or getting somewhere.

It's just sex. Sex makes me happy, but doesn't heal us.

You ignored what I'm saying and think you can fix it all through sex and getting close to me. When in a way it's nice, but yet it's not. In the end i'm not happy and it has more to do with than having sex or just touching me. You just ignore that. When I said I want to leave the house, you ignored me.

Maybe you should listen.

I should leave. I really should.

Chili

So I said it's my day off and i wasted a requested day off and I want to do something. So we went to the Chili cook off. I said if we are going it's silly for him not to enter the contest. So he entered the pepper eating contest and tied for 3rd this year - 15$ for frickers. No really spicy chili. Dessert was coldstone ice cream cakes and ice cream. They had a bounce house and josie LOVED that!. Saw some of the people he was accuainted with at his old job. One guy we sat next to and said he said how wrong it was how getting rid of him went down. He also offered to get his resume out there to any place he could think of. So that was good at least.

He's trying to warm up to me again already. Last night Josie got out of her bed (me and her were sleeping togther. And went to his bed to sleep with him. He woke to pee and came where I was for some hanky panky... I was so half asleep and well it had been a while. Today we were all in the big bed cuddling and he kept trying to hold my hand. I kept pulling it away when he did that.

So he is trying again and didn't listen to what I said yesterday about wanting to leave.