His depression

So you know my history with DH.

Recently he's been on depression meds - like for a few weeks now.

We just had a talk last night. I brought up not being happy and wanting to leave. I brought up my frustrations. I brought up examples of things that happened in the past. I explained how it's getting more frequent. I told him I feel trapped, like I can't live my life.

He blames depression, he blames add. This time he didn't blame me, which I was surprised. He said he wants me to be happy. He said he doesn't want me to leave.

I said I want to leave. Seperate. It would give him time to work on himself and me time to work on myself. He said that wouldn't be a good idea right now and gave me a look. I knew it ment him doing something to himself due to depression. He admitted he thinks about killing himself alot. Whenever he's alone, and that would be all he would think of with us gone. He knows he'd do something.

I feel so trapped and told him that. I feel like I can't leave and if I do he'll kill himself and it'll be my fault. I can't live with myself if that happens or face my children. I don;t want them to be without a father.

He told me the reason he decided to get himself on meds. It was Oli. He realized he was not being a good parent. He realized he was not even taking care of Oli's basic needs. He said it's so hard for him to take care of the kids. Instead of making Oli breakfast, dh'd just give him a bagel or bread to feed himself with. One day when he was too busy working out on Wii Oli got into Pine Sol, was trying to eat a penny, ate dog food and woke josie up. All in one day! He also told me he waited until after Oli's done eating breakfast to change him. Meaning his diaper as well. He did say poopy he does change. I questioned if that was why Oli will sometime have a red butt from having pee against his skin for too long.

My total gut is screaming get out now before this gets worse. It screams this might be real, but he's using it too keep you here. I know others say it's not my fault or responsibility with his depression. It is his. And I know they say it's not others fault when a person kills themselves, but I could never believe that.

He needs help more than a family dr can give him. Just writting meds isn't all he needs.

I wonder if I should alert his mother. If it were my son in the same situation, i'd want to know so I could help.

On one hand I have a responsibility to keep my children safe. Being here I feel i'm not doing that. Leaveing them in his care, I don;t feel I'm doing that. but yet, what am I supposed to do? Leave and maybe have him killing himself on my conscience? I feel more trapped now than ever before.

I meant to also add yeasterday

I hate chat roullette. DH discovered it, so I can only imagine what he's been doing with it.

thinking of me

I went to my group meeting last night. I actually talked! I never talk. I normally just listen. Not many women there and 2 out of the 4 others there were in similar situations. It felt great to talk. I need to do it more.

After group they had some free stuff again. I got a shirt for Josie and they had free Panera bread as well. I got a bag of sliced bread and some bagels (3). I picked out 3 yummy ones that I knew I would like.

I got home and the thought occured to me I better hide them or they'll be gone. But I got sliced bread too so I figured I'd be left one at least...

I get home from work and all are gone. He didn't even think of me. I was the one who got the stuff and none is saved for me. So many times he'd bring home food from work and I'd always made sure all of us in the family got a share of it, no matter what it was. I hate he doesn't do the same thing.

The meeting was geared around recognizing verbal/emotional abuse. He does almost every one of them. They said I'd know when I've had enough and am ready to leave and they'd be there to help me through it. I keep thinking I know I should go, he's given me so many reasons so many times, but I stay. I don;t know if I trust myself to ever go.

I push myself to go each week even though I loose sleep to go. I know I'd give up totally if I stopped going. It would be too easy just to not go, then not go again.

He's been trying to be nice lately and I've been not too receptive. The physical things I've pushed away. The talking I've welcomed. He was sitting in the same room and asked me how my day was. I started to talk about my day at work. I ended one sentence and instead of him paying attention that I wasn't done talking he stands up and as he's walking out to the kitchen say's he's going to make dinner. This keeps happening. I don;t think he's really listening, more of biding his time to get away from me at the first chance he gets. I stop talking to breath and he leaves the room. I say I wasn't done and he gets all huffy. I just didn't continue today. I'm so tired of trying when it just appears he's not really thinking of me, he's not really paying attention to me. He's just trying to make it seem like he is.

you don't understand

You don't understand, you don't get it.

We go out for a nice night and you're all touchy. We have sex. I allow it, it feels nice to be noticed, nice to be touched. But yet, this just seems to make you believe it's ok. Makes you believe we are better, good or getting somewhere.

It's just sex. Sex makes me happy, but doesn't heal us.

You ignored what I'm saying and think you can fix it all through sex and getting close to me. When in a way it's nice, but yet it's not. In the end i'm not happy and it has more to do with than having sex or just touching me. You just ignore that. When I said I want to leave the house, you ignored me.

Maybe you should listen.

I should leave. I really should.