Damn I was so hoping it would be different

Me and DH are yet again in the same place we were before. It almost ment me going to my family thanksgiving without him. I just couldn't stand to not have Josie spend the holiday with both her parents though. The thought just broke my heart. So the arguement finally ended for there so that we could leave hours late.

He's back to laying around, doing nothing. He's back to eating all the food in the house. He's back to not taking care of Josie. He's not taking his medicine. He's not trying to lose weight. He's back to not picking up after himself which means i do it or it doesn't get done. He wanted to be in charge of bills, and he was late on 2 credit card bills, thus raising our apr and damaging the credit score... and it goes on.

Damn damn damn.

I just don't feel I can leave now. I right now have Medicaid, due to our low income. If I start working it's raise the income and bump me and josie off of it. I can't afford to pay for the birth of the baby. I can't even afford the tests or anything before the baby is born.

So I guess i'll just endue for now. After the baby is born I need to get my act together and leave already and figure it out. I need to get the courage to do it. I'm so afraid of failing that I'm failing as a parent. It's got to stop somewhere. It's only going to get worse, i've resigned myself things are and won't get better. He isn't willing to try or do anything different. He just wants to blame me and have me do it all.

I have no respect for him and the more I see the less I love him. He use to seem so loving towards animals and children. I've had to tell him many times not to treat our dog the way he treats her. He won't spend the time to work and train her and he expects her to be obidiant for him and do and understand what he wants. She doesn't then he'll jerk her around with her leash attached to her collar and so she has no feet on the ground. he's peed on the floor (submissive peeing) then he shoves her face in it and wonders why she doesn't learn. He'll not comb her, not bathe her, not help me try to get rid of fleas, not help me try to get her to the vet (because trying to do it with josie by myself is hard), and the list goes on...

I hate he ignores Josie. I hate he doesn't play with her and just turn on the tv for them to watch the whole time instead. I hate he just lays of sits on the couch instead of running around with her, crawling on the floor, playing on the floor, etc. I hate that he won't brush her hair, brush her teeth, etc

Leaving scares me so bad. Doing it all on my own just puts fear in me. I don't want to fail my children and put us in a worse place than we are in now.

I was living in a dream world instead of reality. I wanted the magical mystical things that I thought would come with being married. I just figured we'd figure it out, we;d work together, we'd be like all those marriages that work out really nice and the couples talk and get along. Why would I think that when we've never done that? Me and not living in reality again.

I need to stop rambling and go to bed.

Talked abot on the radio!

I just got a message from another lady in town congratulating me on my pregnancy. She said she heard about it on the radio.

First I thought it sounded a little wierd. However dh is the marketing person for a company and he had a radio remote last night with one of the radio stations. I happened to go to the same place they were at and me and dh were talking with one of the radio ladies. She's been on air for a while and dh does tons of remotes with her, so they talk about all kinds of stuff when not on the air.

We were talking about me being pregnant so I guess she mentioned something on the air this morning! Now I just wish I had heard it too!

SCA frustrations

I really love the SCA. The group I'm in is a little frustrating. Not all the time, but it goes in phases.

We have a small group with not a lot of members. So when multiple people don't show for meetings time and time again it definitly is noticeable. I have the key to the church so I have to be there to open the doors, etc. Others are not even showing for business meetings and they are officers.

Last meeting I asked if anyone would be there since I wasn't driving that distance to see I was the only one there, or it was just me and the other lady who lives 5 minutes from me.

I want us to be active and learn new things, and have garb night and scribal night and everything. Motivating people is so hard especially when there is no one else to help motivate others.

Part of me wants to just say screw it and go play with the other group who meets on Thursday nights. It's a little farther away, but I know people will actually be there. They have a set schedule which mostly revolves around fighting, which I don't really care for.

So I dunno... The group i'm in is great when people are active, but that is not often. The two girls who were active with me moved and still come when they can, but live an hour away now!!

Pee-pee on the Potty!

We were doing the happy pee-pee dance again tonight!!!

Josie hasn't really been interested in trying to pee-pee or poop on the potty. So if she does it the bribe is ice cream cone. She still doesn't tell us when she has to go though, so it's very sporadic of when she goes in the potty.

So far when she's sat on the potty she's gone poop once and pee twice. After bath time we always ask her if she wants to sit and try to go potty. She went pee once before, tonight she ran back there and sat on the potty, jumped up and ran yelling MOMMY MOMMY Josie make yellow!!!!

Me Josie and daddy all did the happy dance and hugs and kisses! And of course Ice cream!

Recruiting in the SCA

I'm getting frustrated. It gets colder and after our event we hold as a group and suddenly members stop coming to meetings. I want to be involved in an active group. Unfortunatly, the group is only active at times, and even then it's sparse.

So I'm taking on the responsibility myself to get some recruitment going. Many of the current members are not interested in recruitment and are just happy with things the way they are.

For this weekends meeting I specifically emailed asking if anyone was even going to show to the meeting. I have the key and I didn't want to drive the 15-20 minutes to be there by myself.

So I started talking with another member, who if the group was active, she would consider herself a member but is frustrated by other members lack of want to get and retain members. We are meeting at a coffee house to talk before the meeting.

I've already emailed all current and past members of our group with a very short questionaire to answer and return to give me more feedback. Hopefully I get some sort of response, from anyone.

I'm coming up with a list of places to post a flyer with pull tabs to attract people in the community.

I'm crossing my fingers it works. It's getting harder and harder each year to pull off our little event. I hope this can at least bring in a few new members and that we can retain them!

If you have any ideas for me as well, please comment with it, I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Missing Harry Potter

I finally got done re-reading all the Harry Potter books. I've read them multiple times. I rarely am so moved by books that I enjoy reading them multiple times, but Harry Potter is rare and special.

The one thing I hate is reading the last book. Yet again I could barely put it down, just like I was reading it for the first time. Then I get to the end and I feel so lost, so empty. I want to read more about his life, want to know more about him.

I remember feeling this way with one other book, The DaVinci Code. However, with that book I was at least able to do some research on some stuff. Harry Potter is entirely fictional.

So I've been rumagging through all different websites trying to fill the void. I even "enrolled" myself at an online school. It is not the full out RPG boards though. I'm not good making up stories myself, so I don't really enjoy those boards. We'll see. I'm sure it'll wear off soon and I'll go on to something else to fill my spare time with.