One more time - i must be stupid

So my husband was convinced he would die young. He was convinced he already would have died. So in his mind he lived like any day was his last. Pretty much doing whatever he wanted, whenever. It occurred to him that the time in his head that he thought would come had long since passed, and he was still living. However, he continued to live like he had previously. Not caring about the world around him essentially.

Mostly that came from his words last night. We sat down and talked. He said it's not fair he leaves a mess and if he did end up dying it'd be myself, and the kids who have to pick up after him in the end. He sees that now.

He requested one more chance... He said he sees how he's been acting and is trying to change and I should wait it out. I told him while i saw a change, it is identical to all the other changes tons of times before, then it goes back to the same crap. He did say some things he's never before said. Like he talked about his weight and not taking care of himself.

He also asked to give him one last chance and if he can't change, that I should leave. That he want me not to feel stiffled by him in life and wants me to have better. That if this time doesn't work I could go and he would be supportive of that.

On one hand I so so want to believe him. I want him to change so badly. I want this to be for real and want to have a whole family.

On the otherhand I do not want to deal with this crap anymore. I'm just drained and numb from him and his ways. Over and over again, and now i'm supposed to wait longer before (in my eyes) I can finally live my own life.

I told him I want to leave and have a seperation and spoke of maybe divorce. That it wasn't working for me. He admitted he was just getting by and living week to week just trying to get to the next thing. He was living to get through until he finds a job, beofre that it was until the new company started, before that it was until baby boy was born, and so on and so on. Just getting by, not really living.

I can't live like that. So now I'm supposed to decide. Trust him (ha - that's been gone quite some time) or just leave. I'm sure more who'd read this would just say leave already, get the hell out of there, what are you doing.

i just don;t know, i hate being unsure and not knowing what to do or how to do it.

I've been going to the women's dv group meetings and the women there are just so down, so barely making it. I think why would i want to put myself in that position. Half have been in the dv shelter and half are now in the womens/kid homeless shelter. That's not what i want for my life, for my kids. I can't do that to them. I go to a meeting and think about how i should stay. How my situation isn't as bad as half of these ladies and they are just barely surviving.

miscommunication

Well more like lack there of, communication.

I've tried to talk to Curt. He has no real concept of talking to a person about things like thoughts and feelings. He doesn't understand them, or how to put them into words. He's never been able to actually put into words why he loves me.

He's better at "talking" over the computer, which isn't really talking. That would be typing.

I ask him a question. It then takes him (no joke) 5 minutes to come up with a response. I'm supposed to sit there and wait for the response. If I start talking together He says he was still thinking. Then getting a response that makes sense is totally out of the question.

So yet again the conversation ended without having out or figuring anything out.

Problem: what are we doing about Christmas with family? For adults and the kids? Family is starting to ask for lists, what should we tell them?

He doesn't answer. Finally after about 5 min I ask again. He says the most used answer in his book: I dunno. Wow, really, how creative. What great thing it was to waste my time speaking in your general direction. No thought, no creativity, nothing. Then get told I didn't come up with anything either. I stop first saying my thoughts because i hate always coming up with a solution. Mind you I always have one in my head. However, I think he should have to think about some stuff sometimes.

So he suggests getting pricing at a private owned company to print calendars... So what would that make it a good idea? The spending a ton of money we don;t have? Wow, great thing you actually used the time and energy to think that one up... sigh

So I suggest homemade, made with only things in the house. He states that I guess we have no other option... I said we could just not exchange?

I stated I don;t have the time to make gifts. Then wait and wait. Finally get annoyed and ask for the answer. I was told he thought we were done talking. Uhm?!

So restate and ask what we should do about it. He said after we figure out what to make for people he'll try to help.

Then goes back to watching tv....

I ask if he's done. Again he says well yea!

So I said are we going to finish talking. finally I just walk away.

Hmm maybe we should think of things to make because It took me a good 4 weeks to finish a halloween costume that was falling apart the one hour it was worn, and finished the last ngiht it weas needed for...

I told him everytime I talk to him i feel like banging my head against the wall... he didn't understand why.

It actually sound so much more reasonable in typed print than it is in real life...believe me!

Fuming

What an ass.
I was typing my previous post while I was told dinner was ready. So I finish typing and go out there. I didn't move my butt fast enough because the ass told my dd that mommy isn't coming because she doesn't want to spend time with you. So I walk in the room and sit down and my DD says I wasn't eating with them because I didn't want to spend time with her!!!
Seriously, that's what you are telling her. He replies with some crap about that's what I say about him. I reminded him I told him he was ignoring her and spending all his time with Oli and the computer. Which he even replied he was and appoligized to her.
After I had such a great day with her reading, coloring, singing, dancing, talking, playing with hair. That's what he fills her head with.
Lovely. Let's not play this game with the kids totally not fair to them. Take it out on me, not them. Be an ass to me, not through them.

I hate living like this

Curt seems to love all this...but yet when he finds it convienient he gets upset. When I'm not feeling sorry for him or something.... whatever

Yesterday he's crying that he can't believe it's taking so long to find a job. I seriously look at him like he;s a freaking idiot. Are you kidding me?! Were you seriously not paying attention on the news? Idiot! Did you think the news was lying? Maybe you thought I was lying when I told you for the upmteeth time that if you don't like it at least you are in the desired field and just stick it out because at least you have a job.... But I guess everyone was lying or something. Idiot

Today he's doing whatever he wants whenever he wants. At least he has the tv off when i walk in the door. Then he tries to had me off the kids literly as i walk in the door before i can take off my coat as he runs to get on the computer to find a job. I finally get changed and feed the son and feed the son. Play with daughter and son. Realize i'm starving and dd needs to eat and try to get something to eat. While dog is freaking out because husband always ignores her too. Then back to the kids and more kids. Husband gets done with job hunting hours and hours later...starts on dinner. I ask for him to watch the kids so i can pee and stuff. He complains he is going to do dishes because there is no other time to do them and I'm not doing them...

Really, really? So when dd, myself and ds are all in bed and you are up for 2-3 hours by yourslef, there is no time to do them? Of course not. Instead my life goes...work, take care of kids, sleep, rise and repeate. Wow that sounds fair. HA

Oh and for some reason looking for a job entails being on all his joke lists and facebook and twitter and other crap like that...uhm NO look for a freaking job and come back out of the damn room.

Idiot.

Find a job for away and go away