His depression

So you know my history with DH.

Recently he's been on depression meds - like for a few weeks now.

We just had a talk last night. I brought up not being happy and wanting to leave. I brought up my frustrations. I brought up examples of things that happened in the past. I explained how it's getting more frequent. I told him I feel trapped, like I can't live my life.

He blames depression, he blames add. This time he didn't blame me, which I was surprised. He said he wants me to be happy. He said he doesn't want me to leave.

I said I want to leave. Seperate. It would give him time to work on himself and me time to work on myself. He said that wouldn't be a good idea right now and gave me a look. I knew it ment him doing something to himself due to depression. He admitted he thinks about killing himself alot. Whenever he's alone, and that would be all he would think of with us gone. He knows he'd do something.

I feel so trapped and told him that. I feel like I can't leave and if I do he'll kill himself and it'll be my fault. I can't live with myself if that happens or face my children. I don;t want them to be without a father.

He told me the reason he decided to get himself on meds. It was Oli. He realized he was not being a good parent. He realized he was not even taking care of Oli's basic needs. He said it's so hard for him to take care of the kids. Instead of making Oli breakfast, dh'd just give him a bagel or bread to feed himself with. One day when he was too busy working out on Wii Oli got into Pine Sol, was trying to eat a penny, ate dog food and woke josie up. All in one day! He also told me he waited until after Oli's done eating breakfast to change him. Meaning his diaper as well. He did say poopy he does change. I questioned if that was why Oli will sometime have a red butt from having pee against his skin for too long.

My total gut is screaming get out now before this gets worse. It screams this might be real, but he's using it too keep you here. I know others say it's not my fault or responsibility with his depression. It is his. And I know they say it's not others fault when a person kills themselves, but I could never believe that.

He needs help more than a family dr can give him. Just writting meds isn't all he needs.

I wonder if I should alert his mother. If it were my son in the same situation, i'd want to know so I could help.

On one hand I have a responsibility to keep my children safe. Being here I feel i'm not doing that. Leaveing them in his care, I don;t feel I'm doing that. but yet, what am I supposed to do? Leave and maybe have him killing himself on my conscience? I feel more trapped now than ever before.