thinking of me

I went to my group meeting last night. I actually talked! I never talk. I normally just listen. Not many women there and 2 out of the 4 others there were in similar situations. It felt great to talk. I need to do it more.

After group they had some free stuff again. I got a shirt for Josie and they had free Panera bread as well. I got a bag of sliced bread and some bagels (3). I picked out 3 yummy ones that I knew I would like.

I got home and the thought occured to me I better hide them or they'll be gone. But I got sliced bread too so I figured I'd be left one at least...

I get home from work and all are gone. He didn't even think of me. I was the one who got the stuff and none is saved for me. So many times he'd bring home food from work and I'd always made sure all of us in the family got a share of it, no matter what it was. I hate he doesn't do the same thing.

The meeting was geared around recognizing verbal/emotional abuse. He does almost every one of them. They said I'd know when I've had enough and am ready to leave and they'd be there to help me through it. I keep thinking I know I should go, he's given me so many reasons so many times, but I stay. I don;t know if I trust myself to ever go.

I push myself to go each week even though I loose sleep to go. I know I'd give up totally if I stopped going. It would be too easy just to not go, then not go again.

He's been trying to be nice lately and I've been not too receptive. The physical things I've pushed away. The talking I've welcomed. He was sitting in the same room and asked me how my day was. I started to talk about my day at work. I ended one sentence and instead of him paying attention that I wasn't done talking he stands up and as he's walking out to the kitchen say's he's going to make dinner. This keeps happening. I don;t think he's really listening, more of biding his time to get away from me at the first chance he gets. I stop talking to breath and he leaves the room. I say I wasn't done and he gets all huffy. I just didn't continue today. I'm so tired of trying when it just appears he's not really thinking of me, he's not really paying attention to me. He's just trying to make it seem like he is.