Damn I was so hoping it would be different

Me and DH are yet again in the same place we were before. It almost ment me going to my family thanksgiving without him. I just couldn't stand to not have Josie spend the holiday with both her parents though. The thought just broke my heart. So the arguement finally ended for there so that we could leave hours late.

He's back to laying around, doing nothing. He's back to eating all the food in the house. He's back to not taking care of Josie. He's not taking his medicine. He's not trying to lose weight. He's back to not picking up after himself which means i do it or it doesn't get done. He wanted to be in charge of bills, and he was late on 2 credit card bills, thus raising our apr and damaging the credit score... and it goes on.

Damn damn damn.

I just don't feel I can leave now. I right now have Medicaid, due to our low income. If I start working it's raise the income and bump me and josie off of it. I can't afford to pay for the birth of the baby. I can't even afford the tests or anything before the baby is born.

So I guess i'll just endue for now. After the baby is born I need to get my act together and leave already and figure it out. I need to get the courage to do it. I'm so afraid of failing that I'm failing as a parent. It's got to stop somewhere. It's only going to get worse, i've resigned myself things are and won't get better. He isn't willing to try or do anything different. He just wants to blame me and have me do it all.

I have no respect for him and the more I see the less I love him. He use to seem so loving towards animals and children. I've had to tell him many times not to treat our dog the way he treats her. He won't spend the time to work and train her and he expects her to be obidiant for him and do and understand what he wants. She doesn't then he'll jerk her around with her leash attached to her collar and so she has no feet on the ground. he's peed on the floor (submissive peeing) then he shoves her face in it and wonders why she doesn't learn. He'll not comb her, not bathe her, not help me try to get rid of fleas, not help me try to get her to the vet (because trying to do it with josie by myself is hard), and the list goes on...

I hate he ignores Josie. I hate he doesn't play with her and just turn on the tv for them to watch the whole time instead. I hate he just lays of sits on the couch instead of running around with her, crawling on the floor, playing on the floor, etc. I hate that he won't brush her hair, brush her teeth, etc

Leaving scares me so bad. Doing it all on my own just puts fear in me. I don't want to fail my children and put us in a worse place than we are in now.

I was living in a dream world instead of reality. I wanted the magical mystical things that I thought would come with being married. I just figured we'd figure it out, we;d work together, we'd be like all those marriages that work out really nice and the couples talk and get along. Why would I think that when we've never done that? Me and not living in reality again.

I need to stop rambling and go to bed.