up and down

This year past year has been horrible. Almost everything thoughout the year is combined with argueing with my husband.

Even my pregnancy I'm reminded of how he told me he thought I cheated on him and that it was someone else's baby. He said i'm sorry for saying it, and that he knew it was an irrational thought. But how can I not remember it. That's not something easy for me to forget about.

I'm at a standstill now. It's always so hard for me to put together in words what I feel or think. I think that's why I've never told my family anything about what's going on with me and Curt. I know I'll end up sounding stupid and end up sounding like there is no reason to leave. But, I know there are plenty of reasons. It's like I freeze and can't think straight. Then the reasons I come up with end up sounding petty and that it's not a big deal.

Half the time I sit here thinking I am sounding petty and it's not a big deal. Anyone that knows most of the story though know's it's not so small and petty though.

I know I'll never be happy in my life living where I do the way I do. I feel like my life has been sacrificed for him.

I hate that I keep going back and forth. I hate that I keep knowing that I'm unhappy and life will never change with me being with him and being here. But yet I keep getting back in the flow of living and then I think, but this is a comfot in a way. Comfort to know you have that other person there. Comfort to have a warm body to lay next to. Comfort to know if I had to I could leave the house and not have to take my daughter if he were home.

I must sound nuts. I feel bad for all the people that are friends with me and keep having to hear me complain, talk about leaving and then do nothing. And then let me life continue until something else happens and I complain again and repeat the cycle. I'm sure they must be frustrated with it all and with me. I'm thankful they stick by me and will listen to me.

It would be so much easier without children and without being pregnant. Because leaving doesn't just mean looking out and thinking of myself, but I have to think about them too.