Back to the same shit as before with my husband.
I just hate this all.
I feel so so horrible for thinking and even writing it. But I so wish I weren't pregnant. I already feel such resentment towards this baby because I feel I have to stay longer with him due to it. If I weren't pregnant I would have left last time. I was so ready. I had so much ready.
He convinced me to stay. He said he couldn't imagine not being there every day with his daughter. I don't want to take that away from him or her.
I was so worried how it would effect him, how it would effect her I never thought really about myself in the end. I just stayed.
It's slowly gotten worse and were back to our weekly or more fights. I spent majority of Thanksgiving fighting with him. Finally I convinced him to come anyways because i didn't want josie not to have him around for thanksgiving.
I kept thinking and hoping maybe I'd have a miscarriage, but i never did. I feel so bad to finally say it, when i've been thinking it for the past months. I've had a miscarriage before, I know the hurt that goes with one. I know there are so many people out there that want kids. I feel so horrible that I was able to get pregnant when there are so many other deserving people out there who actually want to be pregnant and want a baby, when i don't.
3 comments:
Oh honey. Hang in there babe!
Oh, honey. It's not your fault and it's not that baby's fault. You need to have a plan. That at least will make you feel like there is something to look forward to. You have to keep looking forward. Don't let the guilt rule over you. It's controlling you. Your happiness and peace of mind is important so you can be the best person, the best mom you can be. You need to find the strength.
Many gentle hugs...
I wish I could give you a real big hug!!!
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