One more time - i must be stupid

So my husband was convinced he would die young. He was convinced he already would have died. So in his mind he lived like any day was his last. Pretty much doing whatever he wanted, whenever. It occurred to him that the time in his head that he thought would come had long since passed, and he was still living. However, he continued to live like he had previously. Not caring about the world around him essentially.

Mostly that came from his words last night. We sat down and talked. He said it's not fair he leaves a mess and if he did end up dying it'd be myself, and the kids who have to pick up after him in the end. He sees that now.

He requested one more chance... He said he sees how he's been acting and is trying to change and I should wait it out. I told him while i saw a change, it is identical to all the other changes tons of times before, then it goes back to the same crap. He did say some things he's never before said. Like he talked about his weight and not taking care of himself.

He also asked to give him one last chance and if he can't change, that I should leave. That he want me not to feel stiffled by him in life and wants me to have better. That if this time doesn't work I could go and he would be supportive of that.

On one hand I so so want to believe him. I want him to change so badly. I want this to be for real and want to have a whole family.

On the otherhand I do not want to deal with this crap anymore. I'm just drained and numb from him and his ways. Over and over again, and now i'm supposed to wait longer before (in my eyes) I can finally live my own life.

I told him I want to leave and have a seperation and spoke of maybe divorce. That it wasn't working for me. He admitted he was just getting by and living week to week just trying to get to the next thing. He was living to get through until he finds a job, beofre that it was until the new company started, before that it was until baby boy was born, and so on and so on. Just getting by, not really living.

I can't live like that. So now I'm supposed to decide. Trust him (ha - that's been gone quite some time) or just leave. I'm sure more who'd read this would just say leave already, get the hell out of there, what are you doing.

i just don;t know, i hate being unsure and not knowing what to do or how to do it.

I've been going to the women's dv group meetings and the women there are just so down, so barely making it. I think why would i want to put myself in that position. Half have been in the dv shelter and half are now in the womens/kid homeless shelter. That's not what i want for my life, for my kids. I can't do that to them. I go to a meeting and think about how i should stay. How my situation isn't as bad as half of these ladies and they are just barely surviving.