Finding my way

I hate that I've felt so lost for so long. I feel even more lost now. This is not how I dreamed or imagined my life would ever be.

I love my daughter with all my heart and she is such a wonderful blessing in my life. I've always dreamed I would have a bunch of children.

I'm now pregnant with a second, but due to the things that have occured with my husband, i'm sorry to say, i'm not overjoyed about being pregnant. I want to be happy, but words my husband said to me and about this baby keep coming back to my mind.

I feel so stuck, in my marriage, in my home, in my life. Essentially that is my own fault because the only one who can get me unstuck is really myself. Yes money issues are having a toll, but really they are not what's keeping me stuck, I am.

I would hate to be on my deathbed feeling what I feel now.

Art makes me feel alive. Makes me feel like I have a reason in life. The SCA is a fuel for that art. My husband doesn't understand it. He resents the SCA because it takes me away from him.

I've been doing less art and less with the SCA. I am starting to go back to my feeling that I've lost myself again. I was finally feeling like I found me when I was involved in the SCA. Now due to not having money I've chosen to not renue my membership, which means I can not hold offices. I currently hold 2 offices as webmaster and chronicler. It also means if I go to events it will cost me more money. So I'm sure I won't be going to many events now either. But not going to events means less gas used, less money on food when I'm there and many other things.

I need to find myself again.