I dunno, i think he's right

I have just hatred in me.

I've hated every job I ever had, I hate him, I hate the house, i hate the town i live in he even says I hate me son (that one I don;t agree with!). The others, yup, pretty much.

I sit down and am feeding my son when i walk in the house. was at work then called to let him know i'd be late because i had to stop by the library then staples. I had a bunch of ellison punches to do then copies at staples. Both places were unusually busy and traffic was horrid. I finally get home and sit down to feed the boy. I get a what took so long from him. Not a hello, how was your day...a what took so long? It sounded highly accusational and like it's only start a fight. I got out of work a little late. After I left work I pumped, then library and after I left the library I pumped. Then staples and home.

I got out of work like 20 min late. It takes 30 min each time to pump since it's been acting up. Time to drive to the library. I had to wait for the ellison machine at the library then actually do the punches - so about 1 hour. Then drive across town to staples and make copies. It takes 30 min to get home. I was home at like 3:30?

I didn't want to deal with him so i just said i got off work at 1, then he laid into me that i told him i was getting off at noon. Sigh. That's what i get for lying.

Tonight i get yelled at that I yell to much at him so he doesn't talk to me. I hate everything around me. I would rather spend time at the library and staples and then read some in my book when i got home instead of spending time with the kids (while i fed oli i was reading and he was playing Wii with Josie.).

I start to believe him and everything he's saying. How could I not. But are they true. I dunno. Is it true, or just him blaming me for everything again. Then again, what if everything is my fault? What if I'm the one to blame for all of it?

I'm so confused. I'm so unhappy and miserable. I've always blamed him for it. Maybe I need to realize it's not him, but myself.

He says the kids act fine when i'm not here and freak out when i'm around. That when i don;t go to bed at my bed time they are still hyper and then he can't put them to bed. He said they calm down when I'm not around. However, i see the total opposite thing with him. They are fine, but not around him.... Then he said maybe it's me and him together they aren't good for. I think that is probably the case.

I feel lost. I feel like i'm living in a daze, someone else's world/body/life. That this wasn't what i signed up for. kinda like I am in the wrong family, wrong life, wrong everything. Nothing feels right.